I open my eyes… I don’t know what time it is. I don’t know where I am, what am I thinking? What is my first thought? I look around. I’m in my room…
I woke up a couple of times through the night. Weird dreams, my mind’s way of reminding me that I need to stop, take a break and think, process what is happening, take care of myself rather than keep distracting me by keeping busy.
I had a wonderful week. I caught up with friends I hadn’t seen for a while, farewell lunch for Alison, I went to my first Touch Network (the charity I want to volunteer for) event I absolutely loved and will post about very soon, I spent yesterday afternoon on board Ventura, enjoying a three course meal with my Southampton Pride Volunteer friends (post coming soon) and in the evening I finally got to try L’Osteria’s enormous pizzas, al Fresco, chatting and laughing with a friend, watching the terrifying thunderstorm.
But, I forgot me. I neglected me. The most important relationship. With myself. I suddenly remember Nayyirah Waheed’s three line poem.
there is you and you.
this is a relationship.
this is the most important relationship.
I’m in endless dilemmas on all aspects of my life, work, personal, spiritual and I’ve strategically avoided making any decision, probably my biggest weakness, making decisions, by keeping busy, drinking, eating out a lot, doing anything else other than taking care of myself.
Last night I finally stopped. As soon as I came home, soaking wet from the thunderstorm, I cried. And I cried. I was not drunk or had a crazy moment, I just stopped, I was in my room, by myself and all the things I didn’t process, I didn’t think of all week, hit me in the face.
I message Shebs. I know she is probably the only one who can understand. And she did. She does, she always does.
I was always on the fence whether soulmates exist. But now I know they do. They don’t necessarily come in the form of a lover or a partner and I don’t think we only have one.
Shebs is one of my soulmates. My little sister is another one. We just understand each other on a different level, there’s a deeper, more spiritual connection.
I’m happy. And sad. Grateful. Worried. Anxious about some things, completely and utterly relaxed about others. Unsure, uncertain, in painful conflict but at the same time blessed.
The next couple of weeks will be unbelievably busy but I promise you, you, myself that I’ll make time for you. And take care of you.
Remember, the most important relationship. Take care yourself. Love and nurture it.
Not because ‘if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else’ or ‘if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to do so?’ That’s all bull***t.
The love I felt from my friends and family when I hit rock bottom and hated myself is what helped me keep going and I wouldn’t be here today if it’s wasn’t for them. You can love and be loved no matter what.
Take care of yourself for you.
Eat healthy, exercise, do yoga, make decisions, however hard it may be, even if that means you’ll disappoint people you care about. But they will understand. I hope they will.
All I want right now is a hug. One of the simplest, purest, most beautiful forms of love. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m not leaving my room today.
For now I’ll stay in Parsva Savasana (The Side fetal pose) for hours, contemplating whilst listening to my favourite music…