Happy Sunday! And hello October.
Time for reflection and winter preparation (Christmas is coming!).
Last winter was horrible, just horrible for me. I sank into depression, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I gave up trying and allowed myself to be miserable and sad for months on end.
Fortunately I still managed to get out of bed in the morning and go to work but that was literally the only thing I did, just surviving. I rarely blogged, I abandoned my guitar, I lost friends because I didn’t want to leave the house and the more I sank into this black hole, the less confident I felt to do anything.
‘Why would anyone want to be friends with me?’
‘I’m ugly, I’m worthless, I’m 30 and still stuck here’
‘I haven’t achieved anything, others at my age have done so much more’
‘What the f*** is wrong with me?’
‘Nobody really loves me’
If you ever suffered from depression or went through a rough patch you might recognise these thoughts.
Not having much money left by the end of the month made everything much worse and gave me more excuses not to do anything.
I won’t say more today, I’m saving that for my end of the year reflection. If you want to read more on how deep I sank I’ve written about it a while ago, the most honest post I’ve ever written.
But I miraculously recovered with the help of my family, going home every couple of months keeps me sane, my friends, my colleagues and above all myself. I’m incredibly proud of how I drag myself out of this vicious circle.
And now I feel better than ever.
A year later, I have a feeling this winter will be different. I spend as much time home as I want to because I mastered how to enjoy me time so well I sometimes prefer it to other options and I only go to things I really want to. And I’m now used to going to places and events alone. A year ago just the idea terrified me.
Up until about 2 years ago I was always with someone, my friends and family when I lived back home and my ex boyfriend since I moved to Southampton, so when we broke up I was scared to do anything on my own. I felt I needed to have someone with me all the time and it took me a year to realise that is actually dead easy and pretty awesome to do things on your own.
Depression still creeps in every now and then, it actually did about a week ago, but I now know how to deal with it. I know how to crawl back out that hole.
Yoga is now part of my daily life (this month’s Yoga with Adriene FWFG theme is Begin again, which couldn’t be more fitting), my guitar is my best friend, my inspiration is back and I blog often, I’m meeting lovely new people again, my confidence is at its highest and I’m trying hard to move on to a more rewarding career. Which is tough. Really tough. But patience is a virtue and I’m prepared to wait, no matter how frustrated I feel and how much I crave for change right now.
Yesterday I had an awesome day. I went to Lou Lou’s vintage fair to browse pretty vintage clothes, jewellery and more and got myself lovely earrings and an autumn checked scarf and then had a girlie night in with friends, chit-chatting, snacks and rom-com. My favourite!
I’m still dreading work tomorrow but is going to be a good week with friends’ birthday celebrations, catch up with friends I haven’t seen for a while and I’m also meeting two lovely ladies who just started their own company for the first time, I can’t wait to share more on that!
It helps reminding myself that it doesn’t matter how old I am and where I am right now. You don’t have to wait for the new year to start again. Is not always easy so don’t forget to enjoy the little moments.
So here’s to October, here’s to new beginnings, here’s to you and me.